11:31 a.m. Friday, April 13, 2007
For once in my life, I am stuggling deeply in my classes. I underestimated calculus and chinese. Homework means nothing in the class and tests mean everything. With only two to three tests per grading period, it's no wonder I'm failing. Well, not only me, but 50 percent of all other students. I wonder if this is fair? Now I am concerned of not passing my classes and become in danger of getting revoked from my colleges. I'm pretty sure that recieving a D or F in calculus would catch the attention of the administrators.
Chinese is not getting better either. I am at risk of failing her class because, well, she sucks at teaching. We may study one section, but when it comes down to the tests, your efforts mean nothing. I quite dislike chinese because of the instructor's incoherence with english. It's impossible to know what she's saying and when it comes down to the test, "whoops! there's a section that we were supposed to study but she didn't talk about it." And then we all fail. It sucks. There's no curve and there's no second chances. You fail, you fail.
I've learned that life sucks ages ago. Problem is, my hopes of there being some good in the world just keeps getting crushed. It's a repetitive cycle. "Oh, I'm sure that she'll help us." And wham. It's crushed.
07:10 p.m. Sunday, January 21, 2007
*sigh*...What is wrong with me? I keep confusing myself. It's at times like these that I truly feel like a horrible woman. Can there truly be just friendship between a man and a woman? Hahaha. I keep asking myself this question over and over again for the past few years. I wonder why it is so that the people of whom I feel most attached to and seek comfort in are males? It seems to me that I have had many male friends that I treasure deeply, but whenever I feel mislead to thinking that he seeks more than friendship, I always get scared, and I just want to run away. I don't know what to do. Rather than preventing awkward moments and protecting our friendships, I tend to make us suffer and go through a horrible time of uneasiness. Hahaha. I'm just rambling to myself right now, but at least I got what I wanted to say down. It seems to me that I enjoy breaking hearts. It's like this trend that keeps going on with me. I don't wish to love anyone back. Haha...maybe I just haven't found the person yet.
My mom thinks I'm weird. I don't like holding hands, I don't like hugging, leaning on someone, or giving/recieving kisses of affection. Losing my first kiss left me numb with disappointment. Rather than treasuring it, I felt disgraceful and tainted...dirty. I mean, I try, but... rather than getting used to it, I get more and more disgusted at myself, and wish to gag. Maybe my mom is right. I laugh at myself sometimes.
My dad taught me to become a strong person. The one who shouldn't return any affections back to anyone. I listen to his words day by day, warning me to never give in to anyone, to never look weak in front of anyone. I guess this probably lead to my stubborn nature when it comes to studying..but I am also a hypocrite. I ask for a lot of help from my friends, but each time I do it, I feel like a burden. I enjoy helping my friends out, but also feel like I burden them whenever I am unable to help. I feel like, no matter what I do, I can not give anything back to anyone.
One of the things I treasure most in this world, besides my family, are my friends. I remember walking around the city alone at times. I see a lot of people walking by themselves. They look so unbothered. I wonder if they feel the same loneliness I feel too when walking alone...When I sit in the bus, when I eat at a diner, when I walk into a park, browse through stores, or read at starbucks...it all seems so empty. And there, I start thinking of my friends. I start to think of Damaree, Xandra, Cameron...Marina, Johnny, my senpais...I think of all of my friends and start wondering what they are doing at that exact moment. And I would smile at myself for thinking such things. I feel like a very weak person. I'm also a walking hypocrite. I'm confused about a lot of things, and I always say things I never truly mean. I feel like the fakest person alive sometimes. Only a few can see through my mask, but for those who don't, I find it funny how easy it was for me to decieve them, and portray me for what I want them to see. Now, I don't even know who I truly am.
Wow, from what intended to be a short journal entry..has turned into a long rant of my current thoughts. I am confused, in that stage transitioning from a child to an adult. I get scared sometimes, thinking of the future. I wonder what God has in store for me? What fate has in store for me, and what my destiny on this little planet is?
10:26 p.m. Saturday, December 16, 2006
Went on a date today. Pursuit to Happiness was good. It was bit depressing at first, up to the point where I went "WHHHHYYYYY?!" during the middle of it, but it turned out to be a very good movie in the end. Man, I would never expect Will Smith to play such a serious role. I must applaud him. He did a great job. Very touching. I actually cried.
Hehehe, I had a lot of fun today. Maurice's hair is so fun to play with and look at. For some reason, he keeps reminding me of Light. It's weird! It's like.."wow, you remind me of a sexy genius sinister homicidal psychopath." All the more alluring for me. Yes, I know, I'm sick. lol.
I'm so happy. I got to eat strawberry ice cream at Cold Stones today! Love my strawberry~~~~~<3. It was ultra cold, but I loved it nonetheless. Plus, I have my own personal warmer with me. Hope he doesn't think I'm a witch or something with my cold temperature. Curse my cold body. *poro poro poro*
11:00 p.m. Sunday, December 2, 2006
Lowell Winterball 2006,
Priscilla loses her first kiss.
09:38 p.m. Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Wow. All my UC apps are done. My gosh! Just by clicking the "submit" button took at least ten years out of my life! Ahh..with all the things that's been taking years off my life these past four years..I'm not even going to live up to twenty! What's the use of applying to a four-year college now? O___o
Anyhow, the only thing that's yet to be sent are my SAT score. God DAMN stupid collegeboard. This will be the last time that I'll THINK that name again. They're always extending the days when we get our scores back. WHAT'S WRONG WITH THEM?! And they freakin' charge you for everything! Can they NOT understand that there are students out there who literally only have JUST enough money to cover their living expenses?! Sheesh! I had to save a year just to prepare some spending money that would last me a month. Hence why I don't go hang out too much.
Ah wells, we all have our problems, but this is my blog, right? I get to rant here all I want. NYAAAA!! I don't care if I sound selfish or bratty. I can rant all I want about the stupid money-hungry collegeboard and college applications...huh, ironic that once I stated that..I have nothing more to say. Ok, on to randomness!
Senpai sent me the link to download the movie "Boys Love." Hahahaa. My first thoughts after looking at the cover picture: They're bishonens, Japanese, and gay. Like all gay drama movies, someone is going to commit suicide. And I was right. Hahahaha. The storyline was sucky as hell. The director deserves a smack on the head for coming up with such a shitty storyline. The actors, on the otherhand, were pretty good, I guess. Hahaha. Senpai knows so much about Japanese actors now! All from Tenipuri, yes? I noticed that most of the ones she introduced to me were from Tenimyu. ^___^ Hehehe. I can see she's obsessed.
Ah yes, another movie I finished watching recently was the Deathnote live action (much thanks for my honeybuns! ^__^) The movie was pretty awesome. They had wonderful camera shots. The editing and flow were also awesome. Hahaha! I loved the subtlety of humor throughout the film. Loved it. The guy who played as Light couldn't help but remind me of my honeybuns for some reason. Huh..I think it's the hair. Hahaha. I pray he's not as crazy as Light though. That'd be...a little problematic for the world. The guy who played as L did a good job with the acting. He did an awesome job characterizing as L, with the sloppiness and weird ...well, everything. Ahh~~~so attractive. I love that.
Out of the two, Light and L, I would have to say that I like L better. I have quite a strong sense of justice. It's probably because of all the detective novels, games, and Detective Conan episodes/movies I've seen. My dream job is to become a Forensics chemist or biologist...oh well. Dad hated the idea, so I'll major in something else instead...I guess. But man, dead people. I'd love to work with that. I'm pretty weird, I know, but the dead can be beautiful too! It's so mysterious and unraveling the causes of death is just...well, fascinating! <3
Ack, more random going ons in my life. I'm going to attend Winterball this Saturday after SATs. I feel so horrible for calling Emily during class today to see if she had the forms. I had no idea she was in class!! Ah! I feel so horrible! I hope I didn't get her into trouble. What? When I called earlier, she said "I'm not at school right now, but I'll come to school later and you can get the forms then." Ack, I thought she was sick or something and was just going to school to drop off the forms for me. I was so prepared to say "get well soon!"
My bad. ><
09:47 p.m. Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Hahahahaa....SAT I this satudary...eh..-___-
Need more sleep.
11:18 p.m. Wednesday, July 5, 2006
Today was the day of the Hyde Concert. Hahaha, I'm not really writing this on July 5, 2006, but that was the day of his first show in San Francisco at Slim's. There really isn't much to say, other than the fact that I came home at midnight as a converted Hyde fan. His music really is love. His band is love. Hyde is love, and so is Cherry Pop. I guess I'll be the only who'll get that. Now, whenever I'm going to drink cherry cola, I'll think of him and that night he swept me away by his performance. It truly is the highlight of my summer, let alone my life. I'm so happy. <3
08:40 a.m. Friday, June 16, 2006
I had a dream last night. It was very interesting. I was actually playing as one of the characters in the game, Narutime (doesn't matter which version.) I first played as Naruto, and I was fighting against Sasuke. It was a powerful moment. I can actually feel the pain of the bond as each of my punches hit Sasuke and each time he's landed a hit on me. I felt like Naruto, the pain of having to lose someone so close to me. In a way, I hated Sasuke so much, but couldn't let go of him from my life. It was like losing a brother. At one point, we almost killed each other.
The battle then shifted to me having to fight Gaara. I wasn't fighting Gaara as anyone at the beginning, really, just myself. I actually remember holding myself up quite well against Gaara, then later being stricken with fear because he was too powerful. Gaara's a maniac, and I liked that. For some reason, I thought about fighting him as Sasori, and later Sasori took my place in battling it out with Gaara. Sasori did pretty well for a while, wrapping Gaara around with his strings and pulling him closer to knock Gaara down with a side kick. It worked out pretty well for a while, but in the end, Gaara won.
Then something strange happened. I actually had three dreams that night. The one with Gaara was the one I remembered the most, cause I love him. Heheh. Anyhow, the dream ended with Gaara somehow asking for my cellphone number and saying he was a distant cousin and lives in the middle of New York City. Of course, at that point, I was like "What the hell??"
That's when I woke up. God, a cool battle turned...wrong.
06:08 p.m. Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Oh my God, I almost orgasmed seeing the new previews of Avatar. O__o (Ok ok, it'd be gross if I did, but I did get ultra estatic over it.) I can't wait till Friday! ^___^ Avatar: The Last Airbender = THE BEST Series animation EVER!
I don't care what people say. America can still come up with great cartoons and animations too! It's not only Japan folks! Broaden your horizons and open your eyes to much much more. Always give something a chance before critisizing it, unless it IS pure utter shit..like Marmalade Boy, no no! I'm just kidding there! *dodges bricks from shojo fangirls*
Oh yes, I had my Congress State Qual competition today. I had a sudden attack of stage fright and did horribly That usually NEVER happens. I don't know why, probably cause Tommy was there. He makes me nervous with his "intimidating, yet admirable, aura." Not to mention he's so awesome for being a white boy that can speak mandarin way better than I can anyday. Of course, all I could do was admire Senator York's amazing impromtu speeches as I sat there in embarassment. It was nice being in the same Chamber as Tommy since I finally got to see him perform. He is really as awesome as they say. Whoot! Go Tommy! I kinda have a feeling he'll get into Harvard or Yale like the rest of our previous forensic leaders. Of course, our previous leader, Jeffrey, is also notable. There was a shock last year in the revolution of Tommy taking power after defeating him in State Qual Congress before Jeffrey graduated. We were scared.
Wow, enough talk about Congress. I'm planning to quit that next year and join IE instead. Duo sounds really fun. All I need is a partner and I'm good to go. That, or I could do OPP. That'll be cool too...I guess, if I could overcome my stage fright.
Fanime is coming around and my dad has decided that I can go! I can't buy the bundle tickets cause driving back and forth for an hour each day during the three-day weekend would be troublesome. I'm not sure who's really going to come with me. I really want Damaree, Xandra, and Cameron to come with me of course. They mean the world to me.
05:37 p.m. Sunday, February 5, 2006
I felt fine this morning when I woke up, but now I feel hella agitated. I don't know..probably from doing homework all day today. And then a phone call from my cousin asking me to do another favor sorta added to my agitation. I don't know, I hate doing favors for people who I know doesn't give a shit about you and only find you to do favors. I know Chris loves me enough as a cousin, I didn't mean him. I actually feel quite sad that I was in such a cranky mood when he called and asked me to help download the new Ragnarok. I've completely gave up ragnarok already last summer and seeing it again is sorta a bad reminder of how I wasted that summer.
There was something GOOD about my day today, I guess. Lesee...I got to watch the fifth movie of Detective Conan today. It was so cool. I still don't really like Haibara Ai though, or Shiho, if you must. I don't know why I still don't like her that much, but hey, maybe she'll grow to me.
Aww..Hattori Heiji didn't show up in this one! Oh well, I can hear more of his adorable kansai accent in the seventh movie once I fix the horrible audio and find a better fansubber with a better format of actually COMBINING the audio and video files together like all the rest? Beautiful fansubs, just terrible audio technical difficulties I have to go through. Jeez.
Ok, homework is still not done yet, but hey, I'm getting there. I'm still not sure whether I have Chem homework or not, but I'm pretty sure I can get it done during my lunch and off mods Lesee, all I have to worry about now are English (have to write a critique on Cinemania <--the horror of film buffs!) and math (ahhh! Matices!!! I don't understand at ALL!!)
Hoping my days will get better...
03:10 a.m. Sunday, February 5, 2006
Oh man it's late right now..but I'm happy I finished making the layout. I was originally making a Mai HiME layout featuring Takumi and Akira kun. I love those two. Anyhow, I'm a little more loyal to Detective Conan and the interest suddenly spurred up for me to spontaneously make a layout of my two favorite guys from DC. Of couse, Conan (Yes, Conan, not Shinichi, CONAN.) will always be my favorite, but I can't help loving Heiji Hattori just as much for his kansai accent. Ran neechan is also another one of my favorites. Her father too..cause he knows judo and have a pretty good shot.
Wow, it's freezing right now. My hands feel like they're frozen! Argh, I can barely type right now and I have to wake up tomorrow for martial arts club thingy..I hope I learn something cool from Dean Cordoba and hope to spend time with everyone. I also need to get home pretty early to do the rest of the my homework. I barely did any but outlined one page of APUSH today. Nice...one page down, nineteen more to go! Whoot. Argh...and I forgot to copy down the chemm homework...did we even have homework?? Oh, and I'm in the middle of writing letters to senpai (all three of them if I can get Janin-senpai's address.)..So much to do, so little time...I should stop procrastinating. Good night. ZZz..ZZZ..Cold..
